I don’t know if I should stat with my boyfriend.

First, the big question is, Do you see yourself marrying him? And, more importantly, does he see you as his wife? Does he talk about the future with you in it? Does he make plans that suggest he sees you as a lifelong partner? I ask because even the happiest marriages have their challenges, but what makes the difference is that both people approach those challenges as a team, with the understanding that they are building a life together. If the answer to those questions is not reassuring, then honestly, the number of years you have spent together may not matter much in the end. Seven years is a long time, but time invested in a relationship is not, on its own, a reason to stay in one. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I think the red flags are already there. You are seeing them, but perhaps the fear of losing what you have invested in the relationship is making you overlook them. There is a difference between your boyfriend exchanging contact details with women in genuinely harmless social situations and repeatedly doing things he knows make you uncomfortable, without any consideration for how they affect you. The issue is not necessarily that he gives out his Instagram handle, it is that you have communicated how you feel, yet he continues to dismiss those feelings and even becomes defensive when you try to discuss them. That speaks to a much bigger issue around consideration, boundaries and respect. You cannot build a healthy relationship by constantly having to convince someone that your feelings matter. And you certainly should not have to compete for basic consideration. Ultimately, your feelings are valid. However, I think you need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Go back to my first question, Is this someone you genuinely see yourself building a future with, and is he showing you through his actions that he wants the same thing? Do not let the fear of starting over or the seven years you have invested make that decision for you. The goal is not simply to keep a seven-year relationship. It is to build a lifetime relationship with the right person.

31 October

Thank you so much for taking the time to read everything and respond to me, I really appreciate it. To answer the first question, no at this moment in our relationship I don’t see myself marrying him. I used to, maybe in the beginning years of our relationship when we were much younger and happier and I thought I had everything figured out. Now when for example family ask if we want to marry, I just say no I feel like I am still too young (I am in the beginning of my twenties). But I think the truth is I know the relationship would not survive. With how it is going now, we would both be unhappy. If they ask if we plan on moving In together I always say I am still fine at home, and because everything is so expensive I don’t mind living at home a little longer. The truth is, if I would have the chance (financially and everything) to move out and live on my own I would take that chance. When they ask about kids, I joke around and say no not yet thank you I experience how having a kid is with my little brother who is much younger than me. Truth is deep down I know that if we were genuinely happy together maybe I would already think about moving in together, marrying and having children. I just don’t want to admit it to anybody, not even myself. Does he see me as his wife? No idea. He has talked about moving in together. Maybe because he genuinely wants it, or maybe because it is easier to find and afford a house with another person. But like I said, how it is going right now, I will not do it. Like you say there is a big issue around consideration, boundaries and respect. I have told him I just want him to consider my feelings, just think about what your actions do to my feelings and have boundaries. I feel like that is part of respecting and protecting each other and the relationship. He does not care or see it that way. I even asked him if the roles were reversed. I was at a party, a guy showed interest in me in a romantic way, asked my socials, I decline, the guy tells me just as friends, and I say yes and give my socials. How would it make you feel. He says he would not mind, don’t know if that would really be the case but that is what he says. I have been in that situation and every time I tell them no. Because why would I be interested in being ‘friends’ with somebody who showed romantic interest? Why would I risk my relationship for it. I have boundaries. I tell them no and shut that door. I consider his feelings and respect the relationship. That is how I see it. He says he would not care.. He says he is coming over tonight after work to talk even tho he does not think it is useful because he doesn’t see a problem. First he said he would maybe come over yesterday night, after spending the whole day with a friend and the night before partying with friends. Which is good, he has a life and not just our relationship. The problem is eventually yesterday he said he could not come over anymore. I asked him is it because you are planning to do something with your friends. He said I think so. I replied, just to be completely clear you are not coming over to talk about this together because you are meeting with friends? He just said “yes”. Thats it. I said okay. That is fine. And left it at that. It took soo much in me to not send anything else. Because he just showed me his priorities right? I have explained to him that I have been struggling emotionally and that things have been really difficult. And you can’t make sure to come over and talk it out together? Ball is in his court. So no, at this moment I do not genuinely see myself building a future with him. And maybe he says he wants a future with me, but he does not show it to me through his actions no. I think deep down I already know the answer.

1 November

I genuinely feel for you, and I hope you find some peace regardless of how things turn out. I can imagine how emotionally exhausting this must have been, especially when you are trying to hold on to something that clearly means a lot to you. Having read your response, I think you have answered the questions you were initially struggling with. You said something quite telling, which is, you do not see yourself marrying him, you would not move in with him even if you had the opportunity, and deep down you know the relationship probably would not survive in its current state. I think those are things worth paying attention to. From everything you have shared, it is becoming increasingly obvious that he has other priorities at the moment. He may genuinely like you and care about you in his own way, but that does not necessarily mean he is ready to show up as a mature, intentional partner. Liking someone and being ready to build a healthy relationship with them are two very different things. Unfortunately, sometimes people do not fully appreciate what they have until they lose it. He may eventually realise what he stands to lose, but you should not have to get to breaking point before someone understands your value. My biggest advice to you is this, start finding happiness and fulfilment independently of whether he is in your life or not. Do not put your happiness on hold while waiting for him to become the partner you need him to be. Invest in yourself, your friendships, your interests and the things that make you happy. That way, if he eventually realises what he has and genuinely makes the effort to change, he comes into a life where you are already happy, rather than being the person responsible for your happiness. He should be a complement to the happiness you have already built, not the source of it. And if he does not, you will have already started building a life in which you are okay without him. When you eventually have that conversation, listen to what he has to say, but pay even more attention to what he does afterwards. Do not let promises, emotional conversations or temporary improvements distract you from the bigger picture. Real change requires consistency. You are still young. Seven years is a significant part of your life, but it does not mean you owe the relationship the rest of it. You deserve to feel loved, considered, respected and emotionally secure. I wish you the very best, whatever decision you eventually make.

1 November