I'm struggling with forced arrange marriage

I think there are a few different issues here, and it may help to separate them. The biggest issue is that you said you were pressured until you eventually said yes. That matters a lot. Marriage is too serious a decision to enter because family members wore you down or made you feel you had no real choice. They will not be the ones living with the consequences if things go badly. You can appreciate that your husband is a genuinely good, kind and supportive man and still not want to be married to him. Those two things are not contradictory. In fact, if he really is a good man, then he also deserves the truth. He deserves to be with someone who freely chooses him, values him and genuinely wants to build a life with him. Staying because you feel guilty about hurting him may eventually hurt him much more. At the same time, I think you also need to think seriously about what marriage itself means to you. You describe yourself as very independent, outspoken, unconventional and someone who strongly dislikes being restricted. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, and it doesn't mean you cannot be married. But marriage does require compromise, sacrifice and consideration from both people. Today he supports your modelling, singing and content creation, including things others consider controversial. That is a positive sign. But marriage will inevitably bring disagreements at some point. What happens if one day he becomes uncomfortable with something you are doing? What happens when you disagree about boundaries, family, children, lifestyle, religion or what is appropriate within the marriage? You should ask yourself honestly whether there are things you would be willing to compromise on for your spouse, just as you should expect him to compromise for you. If your answer is, “Nobody should ever be able to ask me to change anything about how I live,” then you may simply not be ready for marriage right now. And that is okay. Marriage is not compulsory. But there is also an important distinction, compromise is not the same thing as losing yourself. Being married does not mean that whenever your husband says “stop,” you automatically have to stop. Healthy marriage involves discussion, mutual respect and agreed boundaries, not one person controlling the other. Regarding attraction, I would not advise telling him bluntly, “I find you unattractive.” That could deeply hurt him without helping the conversation. I think the more important truth to tell him is “My family put a lot of pressure on me to agree to this marriage. I don't feel that I made the decision freely, and I have been struggling emotionally ever since. I've tried to make myself develop the feelings I think I should have, but they are not there right now, and I don't think it is fair to either of us to pretend.” Then allow him to respond and have an honest conversation about whether this marriage should continue. And please DO NOT ignore what you said about not sleeping, not eating, feeling depressed and struggling with everyday life. That is more serious than simply being confused about a relationship. Please speak to someone trustworthy who is not involved in pressuring you, and if possible, get professional support as well. I don't think you need to be perfectly happy or have your entire life figured out before getting married. But you should have enough of a sense of yourself that you are not entering marriage expecting another person to create your happiness for you. A spouse can add enormously to your life, but they cannot carry the responsibility of making you happy. So my advice is not simply “leave him” or “stay because he is a good man.” My advice is, remove the guilt, remove the family pressure and ask yourself one honest question. "If nobody was forcing me, nobody would be disappointed in me and I was completely free to choose, would I choose this man and this marriage?" Whatever your genuine answer is, both you and he deserve to know it. I wish you the best.

5h ago