I think I've been lying to myself about my marriage and I don't know what to do with that

A friend sent me a link to this app last night. Said it was new, barely anyone on it yet, and that maybe I should try it. I almost didn't. I'm not really the type to put my business out there, not even anonymously. But it's 1am and I can't sleep and I've been staring at the ceiling for the third night in a row so here I am. I've been married for four years. From the outside it looks fine. We don't fight. We're polite to each other. We show up to things together. But somewhere in the last year I've started to feel like I'm living with a stranger I happen to share a bed with and I don't know when that happened or whose fault it is or if fault even matters at this point. The thing that really got me, and this is the part I haven't said to anyone, is that last week my husband laughed at something on TV. Just a normal laugh. And my first thought was, I don't remember the last time I made him laugh like that. Not a small thought. It sat in my chest the whole evening. I'm not saying I want to leave. I'm not saying I want to stay. I genuinely don't know what I want and that might be the most unsettling part of all of this. I think I've been performing "fine" for so long that I've lost track of what fine actually feels like. Anyway. I don't even know what I'm asking for. Maybe just, has anyone been here? Did it get clearer? Did you find your way back to each other, or did you find your way out, and how did you know which one was right? I'm honoured to even be on here while it's still this small. Feels like a space that could really matter to people. Hope it does.

Posted 22 March